How to Ask a Girl to Be Your Girlfriend Without Totally Screwing It Up
“Do you wanna be, like, my girlfriend or something?”
So you finally met “The One” and after a ton of soul searching, you’re ready to jump into the commitment zone.
She’s cute. She’s fun. You guys have similar interests. The sex is great. And honestly, you’re liking this one better than the other girls in your life. You’ve finally come to the conclusion that THIS girl is girlfriend material.
Naturally, you think about asking her the big question: “Will you be my girlfriend?”
But should you?
Let me stop you right there. My recommendation is: DON’T
I can almost hear you thinking: “WTF TODD?! How can I make her my girlfriend if I don’t ASK her? The title of this blog is literally “How to ask a girl to be my girlfriend?”
Here’s the thing:
Want your relationship to stay out of those statistics? Keep reading.
If you want an amazing and fun relationship, on your own terms, asking the girlfriend question in the most direct way possible is simply not the best strategy. In some situations, it can actually be a cataclysmic screw-up. Even something that potentially ENDS the relationship. I’ve seen it way too many times.
Luckily for you, I’m going to give you six BETTER ways to make her your girlfriend. And in the process, create a dynamic between you and her that actually makes the relationship significantly better than if you just “asked”.
Before we dive into why that is, let’s talk about what it means to have a healthy relationship on your terms.
What does that even look like?
What is a Healthy Relationship?
If you don’t know what it means to be in a healthy relationship, no advice about how to make a girl your girlfriend will make sense.
A healthy relationship has two components:
- A practical component.
- An emotional component.
On a practical level, a relationship is a kind of contract (a set of rules) of what two people expect from each other. Which behaviors are allowed, and which are not allowed.
On an emotional level, it’s a shared narrative that tells a story about what you mean to each other and how significant your bond is as a couple.
Both of these factors are put together to form a healthy relationship. If one of these components is missing or is unhealthy then you’ll have a relationship that’s likely to end up bad (drama, fights, confusion, unhappiness, etc).
Around 40% of American couples are unhappy with their partner or spouse, and I can guarantee that their unhappiness roots from not having either a clear practical component, an amazing narrative, or both.
On the emotional side, if one person feels like he/she could do better, it’ll lead to a skewed relationship with a lot of one-sided negativity and apathy where one person is chasing the other, even if there’s a good general contract (practical side) in place.
On the practical side, if the terms are not clearly defined (what’s allowed, and what’s not allowed), it will lead to a lot of confusion, unnecessary fights, and all around misery. Ie. Many of the relationships you see in real life.
To sum it up…
A relationship is an exchange of value. If the exchange is good, even when things get bad, both of you will have a reason to stay in the relationship.
Got it? Cool, let’s move on.
To help you in your quest of forming a healthy and fun relationship with an amazing narrative and on your terms, here are 6 reasons why you shouldn’t ask a girl to be your girlfriend, and what to do instead.
Let’s dive in.
#1 – Build an Amazing Narrative Instead of Forcing It on Her
Narrative is the story of how you and the girl met and created a connection through time, positive shared experiences, and from the girl perceiving you as a win for her.
Want to know how to build a great narrative?
The first component is you being a win for the girl. She has to feel like you elevate her value, both on the biological side (good genetics) and social side (good social status).
The second component is time spent together.
Kind of obvious. But here’s the thing:
Asking her to be your girlfriend might make her feel like you want to force things upon her, which kills the build-up of a great narrative. Girls like for things to “just happen”, organically, and the big girlfriend question might be interpreted as you being scared of losing her. Which is a needy attitude, a big turn off, and she might end up not perceiving you as a win for her. Even if she genuinely WAS attracted to you before you asked the question.
What to do instead:
Focus on building such a strong and amazing narrative through the passage of time and through positive shared experiences that she can’t stand the thought of not being with you. She should be the one scared of losing you, not the other way around. Then it’ll be a smooth transition into a relationship according to your terms.
Spend time with her, add value to her life, have fun, and create a narrative that’s so enticing and amazing that she becomes addicted to your presence.
#2 – Don’t Rob Her of The Opportunity to Pursue You
Got some tough love for you here.
One simple reason explains why you are not her boyfriend yet, and it’s not because you haven’t ASKED her for exclusivity. It’s because she still doesn’t want you enough to ask herself.
Relationship Psychology 101:
If you look at it from an evolutionary perspective, once you have sex with a girl, you’ve planted your seed in her, so she wants you to stay around to help her raise the children and to provide support.
If you’re doing everything right, she should want to lock YOU down.
If you take that experience away from her, you’re depriving her of the opportunity to work toward something she wants: YOU.
What to do instead:
Do you want your girlfriend to value you?
Humans tend to assign less value to the things that come easily, so let her put some work in to win you over. Otherwise, she might end up not valuing you as much as if you allowed her to chase you.
#3 – Don’t Come Across As Needy and Low Value
Here’s something I’ve learned over the years that I’ve been teaching and practicing game:
Usually, when a guy tells me “I like this girl, she’s special, and I want her to be my girlfriend” it leads to him losing that girl.
Or if he’s “lucky”, to a bad relationship where the girl holds all the power and he’s pushed around. We’ve all seen that dynamic.
Why does this happen? Because once you get into the frame of “this girl is special and I want to be exclusive with her”, you will put her on a pedestal and start acting downright needy. In her mind, neediness means you don’t usually get girls of her caliber, which means that your value is lower than hers.
Clearly not a win for her.
What happens after that? You might end up losing the girl. Or you might end up getting into a relationship where she holds all the cards and she treats you as her doormat (see point #6).
Asking a girl to be your girlfriend is putting you in a position where you are the person who wants the relationship more, which is a VERY weak position when you want to establish the rules. And by the way, those rules can be whatever you want them to be: monogamy (if you want it), open relationship, threesomes, long distance, etc.
What to do instead:
Allow things to grow through positive time spent with each other, focus on being amazing for her, focus on bringing so much value to her life that she becomes scared at the thought of losing you.
Then, she’ll start chasing you. Then, she’ll ask you for exclusivity. Then, she’ll become the best girlfriend you’ve ever had. And then, you’ll be able to have a relationship on your terms.
#4 – You Don’t Need to Ask “Will You Be My Girlfriend?” To Make Her Your Girlfriend
This might blow your mind…
You don’t need to ask a girl to be your girlfriend to treat her as such.
Rather than asking: “Will you be my girlfriend?” Just start acting as if she already is.
Do the things you’d do if she was your girlfriend. Bring her to dinner with your family, take her on romantic trips together, have her stay over at your place for a couple of days. Take her out with your friends, go on regular date nights, hold her hand while you walk together, etc.
This will get her into the “girlfriend” mindset and will allow for the relationship to become “exclusive” organically.
This is in practice WAY more important that agreeing to some formal boyfriend/girlfriend arrangement.
The idea is to add so much value to her life that she feels compelled to bring up the “what are we?” conversation first, which will put you in a position of power.
Stop trying to “lock her down”. Start acting like it’s assumed you’re together. This will help you build an amazing narrative through time and positive experiences. And a funny side effect is that she might end up falling head over heels in love with you faster than you think.
#5 – Stop Trying to Coerce Her Into Commitment
This one you want to avoid like the plague.
You never want to persuade a girl verbally to be your girlfriend. If you have to “sell” her on the idea of being your girlfriend, then you’re doing it wrong.
There is a phrase that my soccer coach used to tell us: “It’s not commanded of you to play well. It’s demanded.”
What he meant was: I’m not going to tell you to step up your game, but the fact that this is a high-caliber team means that you better do it if you want to stay on the team.
That’s what you want to have happen with the girl.
What to do instead:
You want to be so DAMN AWESOME and AMAZING that she WISHES she could be your girlfriend.
Convince her to be your girlfriend with your actions, not with your words. How do you become so AWESOME that the girl you like craves you exclusively?
You can start by learning and improving your game.
#6 – Don’t Lose Leverage Or Negotiating Power
Do you want a relationship where you’re pushed around? Or do you want a relationship where you choose the terms?
My guess is the latter.
If you want those things, it’s crucial that you enter the relationship from a position of power and leverage. Whoever brings up the “what are we?” conversation first is going to have less leverage and less negotiating power when it comes to defining the practical side of it: what the relationship is, what is allowed, and what is not allowed.
If you bring it up first, then it’ll be clear that you’re less willing to walk away, and that’s the worst position to be in during a negotiation.
What to do instead:
For the sake of having the type of relationship you want, let exclusivity happen naturally. She’ll be more bought into you, she’ll always see you as a win for her, and you’ll be able to set the terms of what type of relationship you want.
Conclusion: Stop Worrying About How to Ask Her To Be Your Girlfriend
Listen. If you already asked a girl to be your girlfriend, it’s all good. Assuming the relationship is good enough, you’re probably gonna be just fine. In the end, it doesn’t by itself make or break your relationship.
But if you haven’t yet, now you know that it’s better to create awesome relationships through your actions rather than your words. Focus on being amazing, on adding value, and on having her love you so much that the mere thought of losing you drives her crazy.
You want a relationship that is good for you (on your terms) but also good for her, since that’s really the only way to have a successful relationship long-term.
In short, the difference between a relationship, and two people who are merely attracted to each other, is the narrative and the implied contract that you forge with each other.
I’ll say it again. Make her your girlfriend through your actions, not through your words.
Do that by becoming a high-value man, by learning game, and by having abundance.
And ALWAYS keep in mind: When you have a girlfriend, LOVE her and treat her well, but remember that you NEVER NEED her.
All the best,
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