We just finished up Miami Immersion and I wanted to address a sticking point that I see all the time on the program, but one that is almost never really addressed: Sexual tension.
One thing that always amazes me when I coach is the general lack of sexual desire in most men learning game. It’s almost as if only 2% of guys that are actively approaching girls even want to get laid.
This is something I can see without even hearing what the guy is saying. In fact, I can see it from almost a block away.
It’s evident in his body language, his eyes, his facial expressions. The girl can see it too.
And before we can get into the “how” of building sexual tension, we have to get into the “WHY”.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO GIRLS IN THE FIRST PLACE?
“Why are you here?”
“Why do you want to learn game?”.
These are questions that I ask a lot of my students. Especially guys that approach with almost zero sexual desire.
It’s always been a deeply held belief of mine that students set their own standards of success well before they even sign up for the program. If you come on program believing that you can only get so far with game, you’re going to prove yourself correct.
To the questions above, most students usually respond with pretty much the exact same answer:
“I’m here because I want to learn social skills and how to talk to women.”
Without them saying another word or even asking another question, I know the first thing that needs to be fixed.
If you’ve read up until this point, there’s a chance that your issue or sticking point is most likely similar to that of these students.
If this speaks to you, stop right now and ask yourself, why are you here on this page right now?
Why are you even learning how to talk to women?
Seriously, take a second and get honest with yourself.
Is it because you want to learn how to be social? Is it because you want to learn how to attract women? What is it?
What’s your why?
If your answer is that you’d like to improve your conversational skills with the opposite sex, understand that if that’s all you’re aiming for then that’s exactly what you’re going to have happen.
You’ll get really good at talking to women…and it’ll end at that.
I’m telling you now, if you’re trying to be “social” with women you want to sleep or have relationships with, you’re wasting your time. Purely social conversations do not build sexual tension!
Hate to break it to you.
They usually end in a “Nice to meet ya” that guarantees you’ll never see her again.
To be completely honest, there is no right or wrong answer to the question “Why are you learning game?” It’s your life. It’s just a matter of how bad you want the goals you have in game and what exactly you want in the first place.
But here’s the truth…
A guy with a high sex drive who isn’t afraid of his sexuality, but just doesn’t know what to do, is going to go a hell of a lot further than the guy who wants to approach girls and engage in polite, boring, platonic conversations.
A STORY ABOUT A GUY AND A GIRL
Have you ever seen a woman on the street, coffee shop, airport, or hotel, that you really wanted to talk to or even fuck right then and there? (It’s okay, you’re a man and you have desires).
Be honest with yourself.
There’s something about the way she’s wearing those yoga pants and the way she smells that just gets you going. She’s just your type, you’ve literally dreamed for years about getting with a girl like that.
You probably get turned on thinking about what you’d do if you two were alone together.
Then you start figuring out the best way to approach her, you figure out the best angle, what she’s up to, who she’s with and then you finally do the approach but this time it’s a bit different.
You don’t care who’s watching. You couldn’t care less about who overhears you. You want this girl and nothing is going to get in the way of that. Not even those little thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough. You’re clear with your intent and you lock eyes with her. She can tell you’re turned on but she likes it.
You being turned on turns her on!
Most guys who’ve approached her are usually too polite to get past her initial rejection, but with you it’s different. She can tell that it won’t work on you. You’re different and she likes it. Before you know it, she begins to get really turned on too, the sexual tension is completely unavoidable.
An hour later she finds herself in your bed wondering how it all happened so fast.
And she smiles because this is exactly what SHE’S fantasized about for years.
(This is very much how girls experience meeting me).
WHAT MOST GUYS USUALLY DO
Now let me rewrite this same scenario in 98% of guy’s heads.
They see the girl, they know they SHOULD talk to her because they’ve watched hundreds of hours of pickup content. But they truly don’t want to, they’re not turned on at all. It doesn’t come from inside. And instead of being turned on…their approach anxiety builds and builds with every second of inaction.
Subconsciously, they probably want to get rejected immediately because an immediate rejection is a lot easier than putting in the effort of a full interaction. They know that if they don’t, they’ll beat themselves up over it because they promised their pickup buddy that they would approach 5 girls every single day.
So they do the approach.
They say “Hi” and the girl politely rejects him and he accepts it and moves on. Patting himself on the back for the effort. That’s that. The end.
He can go home now, ask a question on his favorite forum on how to open a girl who is in “XYZ” scenario.
He’ll get responses from guys who literally have his exact same sticking point. He’ll go out the next day and try it again, only to fail approach after approach as this cruel process repeats itself. Over and over and over again. He can’t figure out what the hell he’s doing wrong.
What he’s doing wrong happened way before he even approached the girl. He’s not TURNED ON!
He doesn’t even care if he fucks the girl or not. He simply wants the validation. He wants to get her “attracted”, whatever that means. He doesn’t even care if this girl is in his bed that day or night. He just wants her to give him a few giggles and her number and he can go home happy. Never hearing from her again. It’s a vicious cycle.
SEXUAL TENSION STARTS WITH YOU
When you are out “gaming” for validation or to get good reactions, you will get good reactions every now and then.
You may even get a few numbers and a new lay to add to your list once in a blue moon. A shitty fisherman catches fish sometimes too.
This may be good enough for you, but you’re not going out with the most optimal incentives, getting turned on by the girl you’re speaking to.
JP’S RULE: You should be getting turned on by almost every girl you talk to.
There should be a very man-to-woman vibe very present in almost every interaction and this starts with your own horniness. This is sexual tension in a nutshell. You and her don’t talk about it, it just sits there and goes unsaid, but you both can feel it.
Trust me when I say, if you feel the sexual tension, then she does too.
Don’t try to avoid it by being polite and laughing it off. Be comfortable with that tension. Let it sit there.
Sexual tension is your best friend and if you learn how to use it, you’ll actually start seeing women get turned on by you.
For the love of god, stop going to up to women thinking you have to be gentlemanly! That shit does not work. It’s a waste of your time. Women don’t want it either. The only thing she will think of you is, “Oh, he’s a nice guy, maybe I’ll go on a date with him and depending on how he behaves, I’ll maybe give him sex 20 dates from now”.
Then after weeks and weeks of planning a date with her she flakes on you. Simply because you’re not exciting on a core emotional level.
She needs a guy who can get her excited. She wants you to be that guy.
Women don’t crave Conversations, they crave emotions!
For many years, with the help of movies and television, a majority of men have been led to believe that women love conversations.
That every joke matters and that those pickup lines you’ve seen in movies, if beautifully placed into the conversation, somehow make the girl wet for you.
This lie has taken a lot of guys down a path that has given them lonely nights and years of confusion. It’s a direct knife through the heart of their dating and sex lives.
I’ll make it simple for you so you remember this from now on:
Women don’t get wet for your conversation, they get wet with how you make them feel.
You can evoke emotions from women in a variety of ways but the most effective and my personal favorite is through the use of physical touch and body language.
WHAT I FOCUS ON
Now don’t get me wrong, conversation is still very important, but in my book, it’s usually not what I’m focused on.
There’s so much to be paying attention to in the moment that I hardly have time to think about what I’m going to say next.
Here are just a few things I notice when I talk to a girl:
- Her body language (Is it closed off or is she comfortable with me)
- When I say something is she attentive or looking off into the distance
- If I’m on a date, did she get all dressed up for me, wear perfume or put on an expensive pair of boots or heels for me (indicators of investment)
- Is she drinking her drink fast or slow
- If I leave a pause in the conversation will she fill it in for me
- Does she look at her phone
- If I get slightly closer does she flinch or move in closer as well
This is just the beginning.
If I sat here and wrote it all out, that would end up being a list about calibration. Another topic for another time.
The point is, instead of giving all of your mental energy towards something that isn’t that important.
Give a percentage of it to paying attention to how she feels, how she’s acting, what she’s paying attention to. You’ll also enjoy the girl and the entire process a lot more, I guarantee it!
Think about what a girl is going to tell her friends: She wants to tell them about how you made her feel.
5 WAYS TO BUILD SEXUAL TENSION
You can evoke emotions a variety of ways. Here are a quick five off the top of my head.
1.Disqualify her. “It sucks that I actually wanted to like you but you don’t do X, so we’ll never be anything but friends”
2.Move her. Moving the girl to a different location. Usually to a more intense location. ex: from the dance floor to a secluded area of the club
3.Using physical escalation. This is my personal favorite. Depends largely on how calibrated you are, but can be very effective when learned.
4.Sexual eye contact. Ie. Bedroom eyes
5.Verbal escalation. Try moving the conversation down a more sexual or risque route. ex: “ I feel like you’re the type but I can’t totally tell, do you have any tattoos?”
THE LAST WORD
So hopefully by now you see that there’s a lot more that goes into a successful interaction than just a polite conversation.
Remember that sexual tension doesn’t exist unless you yourself are turned on.
This is a major inner game transition for most guys, but one that I’ve helped many guys figure out for themselves.
In addition, focusing more on the girl and her behaviors, will open a lot of doors to you.
Last, but not least, you have it in you to be the guy that she fantasizes about.
Be that guy.
JP is currently available for 1-on-1 coaching in Miami and around the world.
To see his availability or get coaching in your city, click here to visit the coaching page.
He also coaches alongside Todd on the Immersion program.