The Todd V Show Episode 14: The Risks of Sexting and How to Build Comfort & Trust Online
- Sexting: High-risk, high-reward
- RECOVER from bad texts
- Creating a HIGH-VALUE PROFILE
- 00:00 – Intro
- 01:05 – Question: How do I convey sexuality over text without seeming creepy? I wanted to start sexting a girl but she refused. How do I regain my value and eventually sext with her?
- 01:55 – SEXUAL texting
- 05:30 – Sexting changes the way RESPONDS to you
- 10:00 – Todd’s sexting method
- 14:15 – RECOVER from bad texts
- 16:45 – Question: How do I build comfort and trust online so girls will actually meet up with me?
- 18:15 – Establish value & comfort ONLINE
- 23:00 – Build online comfort without being BORING
- 29:25 – OPTIMIZING your online dating profile
- 32:40 – Takeaways
Todd: [00:00:00] So, it wouldn’t have looked as cool to your friends or sounded as cool in a story. And not like, “Hey yeah, look at all of these slutty things this girl’s sexting me.” And then, “Oh, she invited me right back to her place. I’m the man.” So, yeah, that sounds cool and it makes for a good story, it makes for fun, salacious internet entertainment, but it’s not the most high percentage way to go.
Hey guys, what’s up? We are back with another episode of the Todd V Show and, this time, we’re focusing on online dating. I know that’s a huge thing for a lot of guys. It has been actually increasing in relevance over the last decade, to be fair anyway. But especially with 2020 being the bizarre year it has been and, a lot of restrictions on bars, and clubs, and social gatherings, and things like that.
Online dating has become the crux of dating for a lot of people. And so, it’s definitely something that we need to address
but we have questions today specifically regarding online dating as well and, I think they are very good and interesting ones that a lot of people have. So, let me get into the questions. The first two questions I’m going to kind of answer as one question.
It’s kind of funny cause I got the questions in and I thought, with one, I’m like, “This is a really good question.” And then, the other one, I’m like, “I have a really good answer to this question.” So, I think one has the better question, the other has a better answer. So, I decided to just ask both and answer both.
So, here are the questions. First question, this is from someone named Pande, or Pande, or Pande, or something like that. I’m not sure. Sorry if I got your name wrong. But it is, “How do I convey sexuality over text without coming off as horny or creepy?” Common issue a lot of guys have.
The second question, which you’ll see the relationship between the two of these pretty quickly, I think, is, “I want to start sexting a girl, but she refused, how do I recover from this and eventually get her sexting me?” And this one comes from Fabio.
All right. So, both of these have to do with getting sexual in text. Right? And, a lot of guys are, I get these questions, “How do you sext a girl the right way?” “What’s the right way to start doing XYZ thing?” “What’s the right way to start talking dirty over text?” Et cetera, et cetera.
And, again, I get this question a lot and I’m not going to say that it’s an, across the board, terrible idea in all cases to sext a girl. However, I am going to say that most men massively massively overuse the idea and are way too focused on it. And maybe this is because of the natural inclination of men to just get sexual, and to just want to communicate sex with a girl, and just get to the point as quickly as possible, possibly that’s it.
Possibly, it has to do with a lot of people, when they are teaching online dating, they will put out content of girls sexting with them because it is salacious, and it is a little bit like shocking, and it is a little bit like, “Oh, I want that kind of thing.” And so, it’s kind of good advertising for someone to put it out and for someone to highlight it.
It’s also fun to brag to your friends in real life. “Hey, look. This girl’s sexting me,” et cetera. So, it looks very macho. It looks very masculine. It feels really cool to sext a girl. But I still think it’s largely, generally not the best idea. And here’s why, so, in order to sext with a girl, you need some level of attraction and some level of comfort and trust.
Now, what else requires a certain level of attraction, but also a level of comfort and trust? Well, how about getting a girl on a date? That requires the same things. Right? And if you followed my work for some time, you might know that I have this idea called, Social Capital. And Social Capital means basically, a girl, at any given point, is bought in enough or not bought in enough in order to agree to some thing with you, in order to say, “Yes” to something. And that if she says, “Yes,” it tends to increase Social Capital. If she says, “No,” it tends to decrease Social Capital.
Now, if you’re end goal for messaging a girl is to sext her, then when you have the Social Capital to sext her, you should go ahead and do so. But if your end goal is to actually have sex with the girl in person, or develop a relationship with the girl in person, well, then, sexting is tangential to that. It’s not necessary in that. And the very same Social Capital and, very similar levels of Social Capital even, that you could use in order to be sexting with a girl, you could probably use to get the girl out on a date.
And I don’t know about you, but I think my odds of sleeping with a girl that I have in person are a lot better than my odds of sleeping with a girl where I have to send my penis in ones and zeros over the phone. I don’t find that that works as well or feels as good.
So, in general, I think that your Social Capital is better used for getting the girl out with you in real life than it is for sexting. And if you try to sext a girl and you get a rejection, what Fabio is talking about in his question here. Well, then, that does set you back and it’s going to make it harder to then close for what you actually want, which is meeting the girl, going on a date with a girl, developing a relationship with a girl, et cetera.
So, it’s kind of a tangential goal that is not very much helpful towards the real goal. Now, if you do sext with a girl and it works. In theory, wouldn’t you say, “Okay. Well, you’re sexting. It’s working. Can’t that just increase your Social Capital? Shouldn’t that just make it easier to get the girl on a date?” And the answer there is, maybe.
Maybe. Now, on one hand, if you’re sexting and it’s really good and really fun for her, that can increase her arousal in terms of wanting to meet you for a date. It can increase the upside, so to speak, right? Because if a girl decided to come on a date with you, there are two things.
There is having enough upside to make it motivating for her. And there’s having a minimal enough amount of downside to make it not scary, not terrifying for her so, it’s worth the risk. So, when you start sexting with a girl, what does that do to this dynamic? Well, on the one hand, sexting…
Well, first of all, if you sext badly, it just hurts the dynamic period. Right? You just show incompetence at sexting and make the girl feel uncomfortable. That’s just flat out, across the board, going to hurt you. So, that in and of itself is a risk and, maybe not even worth pursuing if you’re not entirely confident in your sexting. Which, again, a lot of guys actually mess up the sexting, too.
So, that’s a whole other factor. I’m even assuming in this answer that you’re good at sexting. Let’s leave out the idea that maybe you’re bad at sexting and you just make more mistakes. But, even assuming you’re good at sexting, and you get the girl more aroused, and all those kinds of things, well, that’s going to increase the upside for her. It’s going to increase her motivation to come out on a date with you, perhaps. But, it’s going to make her less comfortable with it. It’s going to make her think, “Oh, wow. If I meet up with his guy, it’s just for sex.” “Oh, wow. Maybe this guy is not like a relationship material.” Et cetera, et cetera. “Oh, wow. If I meet up with this guy too easily, maybe he’ll think I’m slutty. Maybe because we’ve been sexting, I need to make him work for it a little longer. I need to make it go farther.” Or, maybe it’s like, “I would have met up with this guy just at my house because I feel comfortable, but now, since we sexted, I’m too worried that he’s gonna think of me just for sex. So, I’ll meet up with him, but I’m gonna meet up with him in a nice, well-lit public place and, I’m gonna take it slow on the date just to prove something.” Et cetera, et cetera.
So, there are all these different things that can happen. Now, is it possible that you sext a girl, it goes well, she’s really aroused, and then because of that, she invites you straight back to her place? Absolutely, it’s possible. Absolutely, it can happen and, it does happen. But in those cases where it did happen, that same girl quite likely could have gotten, could have been gotten onto a date through other means. And that date would have had a very high likelihood of closing as well.
So, it wouldn’t have looked as cool to your friends or sounded as cool in a story. And not like, “Hey yeah, look at all of these slutty things this girl’s sexting me.” And then, “Oh, she invited me right back to her place. I’m the man.” So, yeah, that sounds cool and it makes for a good story, it makes for fun, salacious internet entertainment, but it’s not the most high percentage way to go.
A much more high percentage way to go would be, “Oh, this girl is messaging me. She seems to like me, let me get her on a date. We went on a date, it went well, we went back to my place or her place, and good things happened.” And that’s a way less interesting story, it’s way more boring. But it is way more effective in terms of getting to sex, in terms of getting to a relationship in a positive way, and in terms of even framing that relationship in a way where she’s going to feel good and normal about it and be able to ground onto her reality and that sort of thing.
So, I’m not as big a fan of sexting as as many guys are, in general, and as many people, even who are teaching games seem to be. I think a lot of times, in that case, again, for promotional purposes, it is useful for them to put out some sexting type stuff.
Do I believe in sexting ever? Sure. But generally, it would be a case where you have a very obvious and very strong green light. So, if the girl starts moving in that direction first, then by all means, I think that it’s okay to follow her lead. And, the good thing about that is it is framed not as though you’re this horny creepy guy that’s trying to escalate sexting. You are this person who is responding to her flirtation. And, in that case, you can flirt back and still maintain the sort of more aloof than her position.
Now, I’m not going to say aloof. It’s hard to be super aloof and super unavailable and cold while sexting potentially. But you can, at least, be the person who got chased into the sexting still. You can still be the person who is concerned the higher value person in the relationship.
And there’s an interesting distinction in game, in general. Right? It’s not that you don’t need to be into the girl at all because the more you get to know the girl, you are going to show that you’re into the girl. So, people are like, “Oh, I can’t ever show interest or I’ll lose all my value.” No, no, no, it’s fine. You can show interest. You just want to show a little less interest than she is. You just want to be the less bought in party, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be bought in. And if she’s very bought in, you can be a little bought in. Okay. So, I do want to point that out. It is totally fine to follow the lead in sexting.
A couple of things with sexting. One, be smart. Don’t put stuff in writing, or on a phone, or on the internet that can come back to bite you in the ass. Don’t put out stuff that if you do eventually break up with this girl, you’re going to be kicking yourself for sending it cause it could ruin your career or make you look like an idiot and stuff like that. So, one, be careful and be cautious for that reason.
Number two, understand when you’re sexting or putting this stuff out, you’re putting out something that’s very controversial potentially. Or, it can be polarizing or offensive to some people in some cases. And, it is in writing. There is a literal written record of it. So, be careful in that regard as well.
And then, the other thing, just in terms of doing it effectively, and this is my own personal style. Certainly, you can do sexting, or talking dirty, or any of those kinds of things in a way that is very direct and references body parts and use it as, what would you say, foul language or use as language inappropriate on network television, different stuff like that.
I’m not a fan of that. I’m actually more of a fan of encapsulating the feeling, encapsulating the idea without mentioning the body part. So, instead of saying like, “I want to do XYZ with your pussy,” or something like that, I might be like, “As I caress your most intimate place and you feel the passion rising to the point that you can barely control yourself.” Right?
So, you see how I’m talking about the experience of it and, I’m sort of using euphemisms. I’m hinting at the thing or hinting at the body part without saying the body part. And in general, I find that to be safer, and more palatable, and acceptable in many cases. Now, again, follow the girl’s lead. If she starts talking about your cock, you can start responding about your cock, for example. Right? That’s totally fine. But, she led you there.
Final kind of answer to this question goes to, I think it was Fabio’s question, where he said, “I tried to sext, it didn’t work. How do I get her to sext again now?” Which is all the same things I said before. All the same things I said about sexting not being the best outcome, and that going on a date being better, and that it’s risk to reward, it’s not exactly the most high probability event, all that kind of stuff.
But there’s a second error here, which is a very important, very common error that I do want to address, which is going for the exact same thing that you got rejected on before. Put that aside, get past it, get the girl on a date, and forget that aspect of things. Why are you so caught up in this one step happening?
There is basically no one event, or one step, or one line, or one physical escalation short of sex that is necessary in a relationship in order for it to be a relationship. So, if something doesn’t work, skip it, leave it out. Even something as fundamental and central as kissing. Potentially, if you’re talking to a girl and you’ve tried to kiss her and it didn’t work, instead of being like, “Well, I failed at the kiss, how do I kiss her now?“
Sometimes, you just skip it. Just do other physical escalation moves. Just pull her hair, kiss her neck, that kind of stuff. Now, in the case of kissing, because it is very central, you might still try kissing again. But, in the case of something else, like, say, for example, hand-holding. Right? Not at all essential to having sex, not at all essential to having a relationship, and not anything you needed to do until the relationship has been established necessarily.
So, if you tried to take a girl’s hand and she rejected it, don’t try and take her hand again. It’s not that important, right? Or, if you tried to talk about a particular subject, because you thought it would make things better and move things in the right direction, and the girl seems resistant to that subject, stop trying to crowbar that subject into the conversation. Just let the conversation flow.
And realize there are thousands, if not millions, if not an infinite number of paths towards sex, relationship, whatever. So, don’t get so attached to one thing happening, especially if that one thing is something that it’s debatable whether you should have even done in the first place.
Okay. So, that’s my take on sexting. There are times when it’s good. And when the girl does lead you there and is clearly indicating that’s what she wants you to do, by all means, take that lead. But you initiating it usually tends to be, in my experience, very low percentage and very easily messed up.
It’s one of those situations where you can go very, very right. Very, very right. Very, very right. And you go just a little bit wrong and, you just ruin everything. So, for that reason, I really do suggest that, as a strategy, you tend to avoid it. Or, you tend to learn a style of game that is not dependent on sexting.
Again, it’s a nice little thing you can have for added flavor when the situation is clearly, clearly, obviously right. But don’t be trying to force it into situations where it’s not.
Two quick final points, which I will throw in very briefly because I’ve covered them extensively throughout my body of work. So, if you want more on this, checkout my other podcast, my YouTube channels, et cetera. Again, I’ve covered this extensively. Check out the program, The System, for example. It’s in there in depth.
But in terms of how to escalate and make it man-to-woman, not make it super sexual or super erotica novel-y or anything like that, but just how to make it man-to-woman. The concept that I like to refer you to is a concept called, Premise, which is basically that you are, in subtle little ways, throwing in things that are a little more intimate. Right? So, this can be just vaguely mentioning, not in a direct sense, maybe not even mentioning having sex with her, but just being willing to talk about a topic that’s related to it. Or, to mention the fact about how some people are good kissers and other people are not good kissers.
This is very different than saying, like, “I want to kiss you here and do this to you physically here,” and that kind of stuff. Just saying like, “Oh, yeah. Have you ever had that situation where someone just like, they kiss you and it feels like XYZ?” So, you mention sex in some kind of oblique way and you brought it into the conversation as a topic, but you’re not specifically like, “Hey, let’s have sex.” and not specifically talking about what you will do during sex.
The other form of adding Premise is to increase the intimacy and, oftentimes, it’s even better. For example, if you’re talking about the world in this context of just talking about the world, and then you start talking about the world in this context where there’s this idea of us, or we, or you and her together. Taking that frame of an existing relationship, taking that frame of a question of whether you and she will get along, or an idea that you and she might get along, all those kinds of things do tend to build the intimacy and, that kind of stuff.
So, there are a lot of things you can do that are man-to-woman rather than sexual. And that’s where I would put your focus in terms of the escalation.
Second question or second thing to just throw in as a final note is, so, I talked about Fabio’s question where he tried to sext and that it didn’t work, and he tried to sext again and why that’s a problem. But, let’s go a little more general with it.
And we say that he tried to sext and it didn’t work. And now, he just wants to salvage the interaction. Well, in this case, again, this is something that I’ve talked about extensively in my body of work. So, go check my YouTube channel, my other podcasts, et cetera, for it.
But the idea here, the general concept is the idea of backing off, backing away from the precipice, going a little less escalated than you have before. And then, we call it, ‘Change her mood, not her mind.’ Get the mood, get the vibe of the conversation good, and do not try and escalate during that time. Just be chill, be fun, be relaxed, even be overly friendly or overly nice just a little bit. And then, once the vibe’s okay and relaxed again, then you can start gradually moving things forward. And, again, this would be done in what I just said, which is by gradually injecting a little premise. And if that’s received well, a little more, and a little more, and a little more, and gradually building up.
Okay. So, those are two kind of general strategies. I’m not going to go into them in a lot of depth, because, again, I’ve talked about them a ton elsewhere. But yeah, that is my take on sexting, escalation, being man to woman, all kinds of things like that. And both of those, like, sexting is a problem, and then, obviously, being man to woman and how to do it correctly is an issue for a lot of guys. So, hopefully, that helps you and gives you a lot information you can use there.
All right. Onto the next question, what have we got? So, question from Jaafar.
Okay. So, “I find it easy to demonstrate value via online game, but how do I build comfort and trust?” Okay. So, this is an interesting question and, obviously, what Jaafar is doing here is he is trying to take this model of value and comfort, which exists in live game and exists in the heart and mind of the woman, and he’s trying to apply it to online game. And, this is a great thing to try and do. In general, when you are learning any idea, or learning any kind of topic or any skillset, take the ideas from one area and try and apply them elsewhere, and try and expand those models. Try and use those models, play with and test those models, and see where they apply and where they don’t.
So, great idea to take this value, comfort idea and bring it into the online realm. And there actually is a very good parallel, online and com… Or, sorry, value and comfort do matter a lot online as well as they do in real life.
But, online is a little different than real life in terms of the modes of communication. So, if we’re talking about online dating, what builds your value? What builds your comfort? And, how do these things all kind of fall into place? And the thing about online dating is… Well, with everything, you’re building some level of value and some level of comfort. But, in particular, you’re going to be building value very early on with your profile, your photos, and your first couple of messages. That’s going to set the tone and that’s going to let the girl know the value you have.
And this is similar to real life dating where a lot of your values are conveyed in the first thirty seconds of the interaction. Once you’ve made an impression, then you can start building more comfort. And so, then, the comfort can be built once value exists. And in online dating, it’s kind of like a false choice or, a misconception here, or whatever that you need to keep upping your value while you’re talking to a girl and, the issue is this.
Okay. If you didn’t have enough value, she wouldn’t be messaging you in the first place. So, if your photos were completely awful, and your profile was completely awful, and your first message was completely awful, she wouldn’t be messaging you in the first place. And so, what ends up happening actually in online dating is that the majority of what you’re doing there, you do need to keep the tone flirting and you need to indicate that there’s a man-to-woman aspect.
But the majority of what you’re doing is assuming that there is some attraction, assuming there is some value, and just building that comfort and trust in order to get the girl on a date. Right? And, this is where messaging comes in. So, your profile, your photos, maybe your first message or those first little bantery exchanges, that’s conveying the majority of your value.
After that, you are conveying more comfort. However, the tricky part is you have to not get boring, right? And this is the struggle with comfort in live game as well, which is to go into get-to-know-you conversation, go into logistics, go into logical topics without making it boring. And, how do you do it? You do it by mixing, you do it by mixing in a little bit of flirtatious or man-to-woman. Or, just a reminder that you’re not just acquaintances at work. While, at the same time, having a little bit of get-to-know-you conversation, or maybe logical conversation, or a little bit of moving things toward plans and setting up logistics.
So, a great example of this would be, if you look at my model for the different types of texts you can receive and, how to respond to them. When you get a text from a girl, that is what I call, The Logical or Question Category.
I.e,, she gave you just a logical answer to something. Or, she was just asking you a relatively logical question, how should you respond to that? Well, the answer is a combination text. You should have part of your text referring to what she said. I.e., if she said, “How was your weekend?” You probably want to say something you did during your weekend.
But if she said, “How was your weekend?” You’re like, “Fun. I did this, this, and this.” That’s a really boring text. And it’s very hard for her to respond to that because she has to dig into your text and find something to respond to. Or, she has to restart a new topic and generate new conversation.
And so, that kind of a text is very likely to end up with you getting silence. If she asks you a logical question, you just answer the question in a logical way with nothing else, it’s hard for her to respond. It’s also not super engaging or she’s not really compelled to respond. And so, there is a very high probability she’s going to text back silence, or we call that, ‘Not texting back.’ Right?
So, that’s a problem. So, something flirty would be good. So, something involving, if maybe you had a joke about her being some kind of clumsy doctor or something like that, right? You can be like, “Well, nobody accidentally sliced my appendix.” or whatever.
This is a very weird, very weird reference I’m making. But the point is, you have a teasing thing and you could say that teasing thing. Now, if you said that teasing thing without the context, right? If she said, “How was your weekend?” You’re like, “Well, you know, no doctors sliced out my…” Well, I mean, this kind of refers to how was your weekend, I guess, so, it kind of works. “No doctors sliced out my kidneys.“
The point is, if you had the tease completely out of context, right? So, maybe like she says, “How was your weekend?” And you go, “You’re such a klutz.” It doesn’t make sense, right? It’s a tease completely out of context, it’s a tease completely unrelated to what she just said.
Now, it seems like you were just trying to throw in that tease, or it seems like you’re not paying attention to her, or you’re just being overly gaming. So, having the tease without responding to the question at all is kind of like, building the fun, or tension, or the premise-y vibey moving it forward part, but it’s actually destroying comfort cause it seems weird and it seems out of context.
Just answering the question builds comfort just fine, but it’s boring as hell. And it’s likely to get you silence. And so, the right answer is, your goal is to build enough comfort, build enough logistics, build enough kind of buy-in and agreement on things, that she feels comfortable going on a date with you. Cause that’s the end goal in online, or it feels comfortable giving you a number if you’re going from app, to phone, to date.
So, the point of messaging is to build comfort. She already likes you where she wouldn’t be messaging you. There’s already value there. The thing though is as you’re building the comfort, you have to not kill the value. And that’s where guys go wrong because, guys have two modes.
They have teasing, hardcore, harsh, value, asshole text. And then, they have really boring logical texts, or they have like, flat out just asking or begging for plans texts. And, any of those by themselves suck. Right? You got pure game with no context and no humanity really, really sucks.
It destroys comfort. Gaminess with no… Wait, I just said that. Gaminess with no humanity destroys comfort. Comfort with no game is really, really boring. And moving for plans without keeping it fun becomes a chore and makes you look outcome dependent. So, all three by themselves really, really kind of suck.
All right. What you need is a mix. And, in general, with your messages, each message, when things are going well, when things are going smoothly and well, but need you to nudge them toward a close, right? When that’s the situation you’re in, in those cases, that combo message of a little bit of logical with a little bit of flirtation, or a little bit of logical with a little bit of moving logistics forward is the way that you want to be going.
And you need to remind the girl, she needs that constant little reminder that this is an online dating site. Or, at least, that you’re both there for relationship purposes and not just as friends. I see so many guys in online dating, when I’m working with clients and stuff, they’ll have messaging with girls and it starts off with like, “Hey, you’re cute. I like you.” et cetera. And then, by three or four messages in, they’re like, “So, what kind of food do you like?” “I like this kind of food.” “Where have you traveled?” “Oh, I’ve traveled to here.” And they’re not talking about each other anymore, and they’re not talking about going on a date, and they’ve just completely gone away from the whole point of why they even got on the site in the first place.
And they’re just having a converse, sorry, a casual platonic conversation. Right? Not good. Please don’t do that. Please don’t backwards it. Please don’t deescalate it, number one. But also, I don’t think guys are trying to deescalate it when they do that, they’re just slipping into logical, logical, logical, which happens to become boring and happens to deescalate it.
So, that’s what you want to be doing. So, in your messaging, you want to be, once you have value, stop thinking so much about value, right? If, again, she is messaging you, if she’s responded well to your first couple of messages, she’s giving you a compliment or two, don’t think so much about being like, “I have to be value, value, value, value.” Instead, think about, “I just need to keep things fun and interesting and, just a little reminder that we like each other while moving it towards plans.” And there should not be a ton of messages going towards plans. That’s the other thing, right?
So, because of this phenomenon that you have value at the start, she already matched with you, she already liked you, et cetera, and you’re going to need comfort to meet up with her. The goal is to get whatever level of comfort you need very quickly, and then go ahead and close and get onto the next stage.
The longer you go of message, message, message, message, message, message, the further distant you’re becoming from an initial realization that you have value. And the more you’re going to have to actually do things to keep establishing value throughout, which is a hard thing to do. You’re making things much harder on yourself.
Now, to the extent that maybe you’ve lost value, or it’s going on and become really boring, or she seems to be getting a little bit cocky, et cetera, how do you establish value then? Well, if she’s getting cocky, there’s a chance she’s going to be shit testing you. In which case, you have a ready-made conduit for value, which is passing the shit test. When you get shit tests, you should actually be happy because it’s such an opportunity to develop value, and to display that you’re a high value guy, and have a lot going for you without having been try-hard, without having to inject it in the conversation by yourself, with no risk of being boring, et cetera, et cetera.
So, passing shit tests is actually a great way to develop value if you’re missing it. And fortunately, right? It’s very convenient that if an interaction was good and starts going off the rails, it’s likely it will go off the rails by her giving you shit tests. And then, if you then pass those shit tests, it’s going to bump up your value again and keep the relationship going.
And, in fact, sometimes, because you were offensive or something like that, but oftentimes, if you are getting a little bit boring or losing value, it’s the girl’s way almost of keeping the interaction working. It’s almost doing you a favor, right? So, if, for example, it’s getting boring and she doesn’t shit test you, well, it’s going to get boring, she’s gonna lose interest, and you’re never going to meet up. If it’s getting boring and she does shit test you, she’s giving you an opportunity to recover it and make it unboring again.
So, you should actually be really grateful. She’s actually helping you by shit testing you. She’s actually giving the interaction back what it needs. It’s almost like she… Cause girls, generally, can’t overtly move something towards sex, or they can’t overtly hit on you, or overtly be beat before cause that’s kind of slutty.
So, sometimes, it’s shit testing you in a really boring interaction, or interaction that was good that has become boring, actually, is maybe her way of doing those kinds of things. It’s her way of managing things back onto the right track.
Oh. And, by the way, quickly, how to pass shit tests? There are two ways generally, which is misinterpretation or agree and exaggerate, which is just kind of like taking the frame of the shit test to its logical absurd conclusion. Typically, misinterpretation works better in messaging than exaggeration does. Cause, it’s very hard to convey the level of exaggeration and conveyed that you mean it as an exaggeration. So, misinterpretation usually is the go-to, when you’re talking about online dating.
More on that, I’ve done tons of material on shit tests. You can check out my other work for that. So, I’m not gonna go into super amounts of depth here because it would get us off topic. But I will throw that in quickly, that is kind of how you pass shit tests.
Beyond shit tests, the other thing that you can do, in terms of establishing value, is you can do the same types of things that you hopefully were intentionally doing. Hopefully that you got value intentionally from your profile and photos, because you were doing it the right way and not just by pure luck. So, you can do a little more of what got you value in the first place.
So, for example, if in your profile you mentioned something about traveling and being successful, which by the way, this is kind of off topic again but it goes online dating, you shouldn’t be bragging about that in your profile. It should be kind of a tangential thing or something that you just mentioned by accident. So, it comes off as value, but not bragging. You can do the same thing again.
So, for example, she asked how your weekend was and, you happen to mention that you were in, something happened in a foreign country. Now, the answer was good enough and interesting enough without it being in a foreign country. So, it wasn’t you trying to brag. It just happened to be that you needed that context. And so, it’s a little bump of value. It’s a little bump of lifestyle value, that kind of right.
Another thing you can do is to imply that she’s chasing or imply the frame that girls generally find you attractive. And, again, you don’t want to be flat out saying, “Well, girls find me attractive.” You don’t want to be texting that. You want it to be implied as subtext while you’re texting something else that is good conversation and good communication.
The key takeaway, and again, rounding this all back up. The key takeaway is with whatever communication you have, it’s not all value, it’s not all comfort. And if it is all of one or all of the other, it’s probably not the most effective communication.
What you want to do is you want to have that mix, you want to hit that proper ratio for the girl and keep it going. So, to take this idea in online dating, right? So, when the girl has seen your profile and… Well, first of all, your profile should have some of both. That’s just the first part. The profile should have some value and some comfort. It should probably go a little more edging towards value than comfort because it needs to stand out and a lot of other factors that have to do with marketing and whatnot. And also, because interaction should start on a more value based level.
And then, as you’re texting, you’re going to be building more comfort and, the ratio in your text should be more comfort to value than your profile was. But it certainly shouldn’t be a hundred percent comfort, right?
So, again, the profile, the photos, the original texts build your value. The other stuff builds your comfort. However, you need to keep enough of the ratio, you need to keep enough value just being bumped in there that you don’t completely destroy it and, it doesn’t become boring. So, hopefully, that answers your question.
Final thing that I will say and, this is with a caveat, I guess. Everything’s with a caveat, I guess. But the thing is that time is one of the greatest builders of comforts. And so, the more messages you send back and forth with a girl, the more comfort there is. Now, the problem is, the more message you send with a girl in online dating, the way most guys do it, the more boring it is and the more the girl loses that sense of value for you. And also, the more chance there is that something else happens in the meantime. Like, she meets up with some other guy, or she gets off the app, or something like that.
So, while time is one of the best builders of comfort, it should not be your go-to builder of comfort in online dating. Right? Now, why do I mention it though? It’s because, this is a big reason why you don’t want to be closing off of the first message. Right? It will happen oftentimes in online dating that you messaged your girl one time and her first response was really positive and, you look at the four types of texts model and you say, “Oh, she responded positive. I should make plans.“
And, you’re correct based on the four types of text model. The problem is, if you go for a very overt plans after one text, you are so destroying comfort, and so looking needy, and agendad, and like, you have an outcome, that it’s very, very bad. So, in that case, even though you’re ready to close based on the model and based on her immediate emotions, you probably want to intentionally make your close take a text or two. Or, you might even want to throw in one more text before you close. If she gives a positive response to that, go ahead and text.
So, rushing towards the close and just getting, eliminating the possibility of any kind of back and forth and any kind of time spent can be problematic. But then, on the other hand, too much time just has a lot of logistical problems in online dating.
So, in live dating, more time equals more comfort equals good. Please just spend more time with a girl. In online dating, that exists once you get a girl in person and exist maybe once you’re on the phone with a girl, but it does not exist in the messaging because so much is out of your hands, so much can go wrong, et cetera, et cetera.
So, I’ll throw that out that time is a great builder of comfort. However, it’s not the best go-to builder of comfort in online dating. All right. So, again, what’s the takeaway? You need both. You need both and, you need both consistently. You want to keep something of a ratio, you want to keep not pure value, not pure comfort. And then, gradually, with messages, you’re going to be developing that comfort.
So, the answer, the short answer is, you message the girl. Right? The more, and longer, and more exchanges you have, and more exchanges you have without offending the girl, more exchanges you have without making the girl uncomfortable, without sexting in an unwanted way, for example, the more of those you have, the better off you are going to be.
All right. So, I hope you enjoyed the content. If you liked the question and would like yours answered, or if you didn’t like the question, just loved my answers, but would like your question answered, there is a way to do that. You can email it to [email protected] Or, if you are watching this on YouTube, you can put it in the YouTube comments. Or, you can do both. But that is where I get the questions, it’s from one of those two sources. Either from the YouTube comments or from things that are sent to [email protected]
One good reason to send it to the email is that I do prefer audio questions so, if you can record the question, that’s so much better. Also, it may be easier to write a slightly longer question in the email.
But, either way, you can send me the questions. I’m looking for good questions. And, there’s a chance that I’ll be talking to you directly the next time. So, that could be cool.
Other note, I am going to be releasing an online dating program in the near future. And, again, look in the description for some more information about that. It should be forthcoming by the time we publish it.
So, with that said, thanks again for tuning in. And, I will talk to you again very, very soon.