Why “Comfort” Is Bullshit

by | Apr 10, 2018 | Strategy & Philosophy

From time immemorial (or at least 2002), it’s been gospel in game that there is an “attraction phase” and then a “comfort phase”. The early models of cold approach I learned contained this progression, and I took it as gospel, much as you may have. I accepted the assumption that it’s good for her to feel comfortable with you.

And it makes sense.

Getting to know a girl DOES build trust

…and it IS very difficult to maintain high energy “attraction” game for hours on end

…and patience IS critical

…and sex and relationships DO happen more easily when there is a logical commitment to go along with the emotions.

So, is there a period in effective game where you get a little more serious and slow things down?


However that doesn’t mean that “comfort” is the goal. In fact, if she gets too comfortable, you probably won’t get the result you’re looking for!

You want a girl to be a bit “on edge”.

You want her to wonder if you like her.

You want her to still think of you as a win.

If she’s comfortable that she’s already won… where is the motivation to commit to the interaction? Where is the motivation to chase you? Where is the motivation to see you again? Where is the motivation to come home with you?

You certainly don’t want her too comfortable that she has you, because that will utterly KILL the sexual tension. What you actually want is to build the sexual tension, and that’s potentially UN-COMFORTABLE.

So if you’re not trying to get her to feel comfortable with you during this lower energy period of the interaction, what are you trying to do?

You’re trying to make her comfortable that she’s making a good decision!

That is to say, you’re trying to get her to feel like whatever result you want, date/sex/relationship, is a win for her.

So what are the elements of this:

  1. Value — If you’re a scrub, then getting to know you will only tell her with more finality that being with you isn’t winning.
  2. Basic Trust — Yes this is the traditional “comfort” but it’s basically at the level of “not a sociopath or felon”, so you need very little.
  3. Investment and commitment — The more energy and investment she’s put into you, the more she’ll value you. The harder she’s chased, the greater the win when she catches you.
  4. Narrative — Does the story of you and her fit with the way she’d like to view her life.

If you look at these elements, only #2 directly relates to the traditional idea of “comfort” in game, and that’s at the most basic level possible.

Numbers 1 and 3 are directly in contradiction to building “comfort”.

And while number 4 could relate to comfort, it definitely relates to value and tension MORE.

So while guys have been taught to stop pushing the attraction switches and make the girl comfortable, this is largely useless and often directly harmful as an approach.

What should you be doing instead?

You should be increasing the tension, increasing her investment, and telling (or better yet showing) her the story of her winning by you being together.

Don’t make her comfortable AROUND you. Make her comfortable that you represent a win for her!